Yesterday I was explaining the complex permutations of the England-Belgium match – whereby it arguably made more sense for both teams to try and lose the game, thereby finishing second in their group and avoiding the tougher half of the draw in the knockout stages - to Gaby, when she replied that it was all much of a muchness anyway, because the winner of this year’s World Cup had already been determined in advance. This is a common statement of hers re: football matches, so I decided to get to the bottom of it, resulting in a frankly wild conversation which I’ll do my best to translate and transcribe below:
F: You’re saying it’s all rigged?
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| Hairy Kane - Ridaut Dias Jr., 2018 |
F: Right… How exactly?
G: Before each tournament every government will determine how important it is to have their team win, and whether they can afford it, and usually the most politically unstable one will outbid the others, in an attempt to distract their population with a big sporting win. Or at least pay FIFA to host the tournament. There are gentlemen’s agreements between world leaders, a whole system of contracts and negotiations which we’re not party to. So this year I think England have bought the rights, because of Brexit and because it’s probably the Queen’s last World Cup and they want to give her a nice send-off.
F: You think England will win the World Cup?
G: Why not?
F: …
F: But by that logic, wouldn’t Russia want to win? It’s being held there and they are all about distracting people.
G: Ah, but they already paid FIFA to host it, so they probably don’t have the cash to buy the actual trophy.
F: Plus they’re statistically the worst team this year, so it might look too suspicious. So you’re saying Germany blew their budget to win in 2014, which is why they were knocked out in the group stages this time around?
G: Exactly!
F: Italy did the same in 2010 having won in 2006; Spain likewise in 2014 having won in 2010; France likewise in 2002 having won in 1998… You might be onto something actually.
G: Italy didn't even qualify this year, they just didn't have the budget. And the US just took this World Cup off altogether, to avoid any further links to Russia.
F: But what about the players and the training staff?
G: They’re in on it too. It’s all about money and their personal brand – as long as they’re out in front of the cameras and everyone stops to watch, they don’t really care whether they actually win or not.
F: I’m sure some of them do… I mean, look at the 7-1 against Germany, the players were devastated afterwards. Some of them never recovered, career-wise.
G: Sure they did. They’re all still playing or have cushy commentary jobs. They were probably glad to be shot of it all after the final whistle.
F: They didn’t look glad…
G: In front of the cameras, maybe. But they were on their yachts or whatever the next day.
F: But you saw Neymar crying after the end of the Costa Rica game the other day – he clearly feels a lot of pressure from the nation, if not personal pride too.
G: Nah, he’s not that bothered. Just as long as he gets paid.
F: I don’t think he does get paid for going to the World Cup... Why not just sack it off and spend the summer counting his millions?
G: Because of all the lucrative sponsorship opportunities and the kickbacks from FIFA. Just because he’s rich doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to get even richer!
F: OK but… how come none of this ever gets out?
G: Lots of non-disclosure agreements and people getting paid off.
F: Wouldn’t there be whistle-blowers?
G: I’m sure there have been whistle-blowers, but that doesn’t mean people listen to them. Look at what the politicians get away with here, because they have a large enough following willing to overlook evidence of their corruption.
F: But if the winner is predetermined, why would any of the other teams even make an effort? Why eat into their summer holidays to get to the final, for instance, knowing that they’re not going to win it?
G: Getting to the final or semi-final is still good, image-wise, for the players and the country.
F: So FIFA doesn’t compensate the losing nations for their time?
G: No need! Everybody wins, because the whole world stops to watch every four years.
F: So all the effort they go through is put on?
G: Exactly.
F: Right, but it’s still effort though. They’re not faking all the miles they run. So if they’re going to put all that effort in to make it seem like they’re putting effort in, they might as well… actually put effort in, and play to win? It’s a bit like
[embarks on a long-winded re-enactment of the Mitchell & Webb Look sketch about faking the moon landings]
G: But the moon landings were faked.
F: [wailing, gnashing of teeth]
